enough
by odoriferous
Summary: Sara hears Grissom's confession of sorts. Grissom needs to explain himself.
1. Chapter 1

Author: Odoriferous

Title: Enough

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or any of the characters. But my birthday's coming up in two weeks!

Spoilers: Some general spoilers, Play with Fire, Butterflied 

This is just a short post-butterflied fic. It's a little sad, but there's hope (I think). Feedback is always appreciated, be at bad news or good…

Part one 

He couldn't do it, she tought. What does that mean? That he was afraid? That he didn't want to? Didn't want _her_? What? A multitude of thoughts raged through her head. Alright, stop it, she mentally chastised herself. Settle. Down. She exhaled slowly and as her mental turmoil subsided, a sadness enveloped her. He was still sitting there, motionless, in the interrogation room. She eyed him through the one-way mirror. He looked so lost. His elbows rested on the table, his head in his hands. She wondered if it was the frustration of not being able to arrest a murderer by lack of evidence that affected him so, or if maybe it was the same feeling that she felt right now that tortured him. Regret, pain and longing that was. Oh how she longed to go in there and just touch him. He was so close and vulnerable and yet so very far away. If she could just touch him, it would all go away. The hurt he had inflicted with his cold-hearted rejection would not matter anymore. The fact that she seemed to have lost him as a friend would be forgotten. Her heart would mend easily.

She quickly wiped  a single tear from her eye, then sighed as she walked towards the door and into the hallway. As she turned, she nearly bumped into Grissom, coming out of the interrogation room. 

"Sara", he breathed. 

Apprehension showed on his face. He coughed. 

"Were you…", he didn't finish the question, too afraid of what he knew the answer would be. He didn't actually see her come out of the observation room. But where else would she be coming from, seriously, he thought to himself.

"I, uhm, was just on my way to see how the interrogation was going. I saw Lurie sauntering down the hall. They let him go?", she managed to say. 

It took all the restraint she had in her not throw herself at him and pound his chest demanding an explanation. If he knew she'd listened in, he'd probably get furious and that was the last thing she needed right now.

Grissom eyed her with curiosity. He simply knew she must have been watching the interrogation. The fact that she didn't even address the issue made him feel unexpectedly dejected. The defeatism evident in her eyes made him want to reach out touch her, comfort her in some way. Then he figured the last thing she needed right now was probably him. He'd confused her enough. He'd hurt her more than he'd ever intended. He'd never wanted to hurt her at all. Yet sometimes it seemed he couldn't help himself. She would probably lash out and get angry, he thought. So he did nothing but stare.

She raised an eyebrow at him, silently prompting a response from him. 

"Yes, they're letting him go. We've got nothing solid on him", Grissom finally said, " I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Cath says you've been up for three shifts straight. You…we've all done what we could."

"It's not enough", he admitted. Somehow it felt like he was disappointing her again. As if releasing the murderer of that nurse that looked so much like Sara meant that he'd failed Sara in some way. It reminded him that he was losing her, just like Lurie lost Debbie, both by their own actions.

"A wise man once told me that no victim is special. You can't save everybody", Sara told him.

Grissom grinned at her, in spite of himself. 

"I never take my own advice. This one was special, Sara."

She looked at him, unable to utter a single word. Not unlike when she'd stared that dead woman in the face, just a little while ago. The resemblance to her own face had struck her and left her with a strange eerie feeling, an incredibly sad sensation. 

"She looked like you", Grissom stated the obvious, his gaze directed at the floor as if something incredible interesting was transpiring there. He was utterly afraid of facing her. 

Sara felt like she was barely able to breathe. 

"I'm sorry", he repeated his earlier words, with a double entendre he hoped she'd catch.  He moved past her down the hall, leaving her stunned and alone. Again.

Part two 

He knew he should have been going home. He was way too tired to be driving around. He knew all that. But although his body was drained of strength, his thoughts were churning. Images of that nurse coalesced with vivid memories of Sara. Debbie's laughing face from the picture he'd found on her dresser popped in his head, and then Sara's smile haunted him. It had been so long since she'd directed that trademark gap toothed smile at him. The thought saddened him, but fuelled his resolve at the same time. He now navigated through the early morning Las Vegas traffic with a purpose. Minutes passed until he was parked in front of her building. Sara's place. He glanced at his watch. 9:15. She might not be asleep yet, he thought. He hoped really, unsure he could muster up the same courage again of she didn't open the door now. He anxiously rapped on her door and was momentarily greeted by a astonished Sara.

"Oh", she managed.

"Hi. Is this a bad time? Or can I come in?" 

He stunned himself with his own boldness.

"No. Yes. In that order", Sara said, still surprised, but also slightly amused.

He smiled and stepped inside.

"At the risk of sounding incredibly rude, what are you doing here?", she asked.

"I needed to clear some things up. With you. I'm confused." 

He spoke in short phrases, his mind not fully cooperative to the pact he'd made with himself. It was still difficult to express himself and not hold back.

"Confused", she reiterated, "best place for a scientist to be."

"Good God, you do tape everything I say."

She grinned at him.

"But I'm not here as a scientist", Grissom continued.

"Okay", Sara uttered as she breathed out slowly.

"Would this new non-scientific Grissom like some coffee?", she asked to dissolve some of the tension that had been building up since he'd entered her house. 

"I was just about to have some myself", she said as she pointed towards a gurgling coffee maker in the kitchen. 

"Sure", Grissom said and made his way towards her comfortable looking couch. 

Sara carried two cups of steaming java into the living room and handed him one as she planted herself on the sofa next to Grissom.

Grissom sipped his coffee and made appreciative sounds. Internally he was still working on his resolve, but decided that cutting to the chase would be his best option. He let out a small sigh.

"It's true, you know", he said.

"What is?"

"I couldn't. Deal. With us."

His nervousness was taking away his ability to form coherent sentences.

"I…", Sara stopped there, not knowing how, or if to continue.

"I know you heard me with Lurie. It's ok."

He pulled his gaze away from the coffee and looked at her.

"I felt like I was eavesdropping. Like I shouldn't have been there. Maybe I wish I hadn't been there."

"Don't say that." He paused. "I'm not unhappy you heard me." 

"Not unhappy?", she imitated, "You know, Grissom, I may be overtalking around you. But you do your share of undertalking around me. If that's a word."

He chuckled lightly.

"You're right. And I apologize."

He shifted in his seat so as to face her.

"I think I may have lost focus somewhere down the line. I was so preoccupied with my own problems, with my… fears that I didn't realize what I was doing to you. When I said I didn't know what to do about this…", he moved his hand between their bodies, mimicking the gesture he'd used the day Sara had asked him out, " I wasn't kidding. I only saw obstacles."

She looked at him with fascination.

"What do you see now?", she asked, daring to look in his stunning blue eyes.

"I see you", he deadpanned.

Then it happened. The smile came. Tiny at first, but growing as it was reciprocated. Grissom felt his heart swell in his chest, a lump forming in his throat. His body seemed to ache with glee and with excruciating desire to freeze time in this very moment. He'd made her smile again. If that was all he'd ever get from her, it would be enough.

~Fin~


	2. Chapter 2

Part Three 

"It's been a while."

She gave him a funny look, then said: "What?".

"Since I've seen you smile like that."

"What do you want, Grissom?", Sara sighed.

He contemplated telling her the truth. _I want to touch your face and kiss your lips. I want to feel your arms around me. I want to make love to you._

Not a single word slipped from his lips, a shrug of his shoulders was all he managed.

She eyed him with curiosity. He looked uncomfortable.

"Just tell me. I don't bite", she offered. "I can only try to understand."

"I know."

"So?", she carefully enquired.

"I should tell you about obstacles, I guess."

Sara cut him off.

"I could fill that one in for you. I'm too young, you're too old. You're my supervisor. It wouldn't work, right?", she said, but her voice lacked resignation.

"Does that really matter?", she continued. "I mean, the good things in life are worth the effort, worth the sacrifice even. At least that's what I thought. You don't agree, right. Cause you're afraid. Of what? Of me? Of yourself? Of seeing yourself in me?", Sara ranted.

Grissom slowly put his cup of coffee down on her coffee table. He turned to meet her ardent gaze.

"I was loosing my hearing", he stated hesitantly.

Sara stared at him, completely taken aback. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came.

"My mother. She was deaf. It's hereditary. I have what's called otosclerosis. It's a type of conduction deafness." 

Talking about the technicalities made him feel a little less uncomfortable. Grissom felt himself slipping into scientific mode again. But when he met Sara's eyes, he saw fear and worry. This was not what he'd expected. He had imagined she'd be disappointed, that she'd think of him as faulty, deficient and well, old. He quickly reached out a hand to gently touch her forearm. 

"Sara."

She didn't move or speak.

"I'm fine now. I had surgery. I should be ok."

Sara still sat silently. Her right hand moved over Grissom's hand on her arm.

"I'm sorry", she whispered.

"Don't be. I'm alright."

"I had no idea. That's why you took that long so called vacation", Sara deduced. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"It was my problem. Nobody else's."

"Jeez, Griss", Sara huffed. "You always try to carry all that weight alone. You might get crushed, you know."

"Sara", Grissom started. She cut him off again.

"Dammit, Grissom. Why do you think you don't need anybody? Why do you always want to go it alone?" 

Her voice was laden with desperation and pain. Tears started welling up in her eyes.

"We're on the same side here. What harm is there in sharing things?"

A tear trickled down her cheeks, that were red with anger and hurt.

"We used to share things…"

Sara swallowed as more tears streamed down her face. Grissom still hadn't lifted his hand from Sara's arm and started to gently stroke her skin in a heartfelt attempt to soothe her. When she didn't respond he moved both his hands to cup her face.

"Look at me", he pleaded. "I know you're mad."

"Grissom, I'm not angry", she sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I'm just sad. Maybe I miss being there for you. I liked being there for you. But you don't need me, obviously."

"Sara, I realize that it looks that way, but you couldn't be more off."

He paused to compose himself and let his hands back down. 

"This is hard for me. I…I find it difficult to talk about what's going on in my mind, or in my heart for that matter. But this is not just about the otosclerosis. I mean, that was something that scared me, but something else scared me even more. But I could only deal with one thing at a time. So I took on what I could handle, however frightening that was. I had the surgery and now… , now I'm still faced with that other daunting thing that I don't know what to do about."

Sara nodded at him, urging him to go on.

"You scare me."

Sara laughed at that. 

"That's not what I was going for", she joked.

"Sara, I'm serious. You could really hurt me."

"Grissom, I would never hurt you. Not knowingly."

"I think I realize that. But it's not because you don't want it to happen, that it won't. And I'm not a young man anymore…"

"Let's not go there again. It doesn't matter to me. You could be 80 and I'd still love you."

A shocking sensation went through Sara's mind. _Oh no. Did I really say that? Dear God, I said I loved him._ _If that doesn't make him run for the hills, I don't know what will._

If Grissom heard, he didn't pursue it.

"I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. You're a beautiful young woman and you can have any man you want. What do you need me for?"

"You're awfully good at selling yourself short, Grissom."

"You said you'd try and understand."

"I do understand. But can I have a say in this?"

Grissom grinned at her. He waved his hand as a go-ahead.

"Look, I understand that you're scared. We both have a lot to lose. But from my perspective, I think we've got a lot to gain too." 

He smiled genuinely at her.

"You may be right."

Sara smiled right back.

"You see what you do to me?  You make me go from laughing to crying to laughing again in a matter of minutes", Sara said.

"Honey, I wish I could promise you I'll never make you cry again. But I can't. I'm not good at this. You'll have to be patient with me. I'm not you're knight in shining armour."

Grissom winced internally when he realized he'd called her honey again. Terms of endearment slipped so easily and unexpectedly from his lips when he was with Sara.

"Maybe you're not. But you're my entomologist in a shell. And that'll do just fine for me. As long as you come out of that shell every now and then."

Grissom lifted his hand to Sara's face again and stroked her soft cheek. 

"Thank you", he whispered.

"You're welcome."

They stared at each other. Sara felt herself getting drawn to the blue depths of his eyes. Her breath came in ragged gasps. She felt a blush creeping to her face. Grissom shifted slightly closer to Sara and moved his other hand towards her neck. He leaned in and gently, as if to test how far he could go, placed his lips on Sara's. The light touch felt electric, like a genuine spark passed between their lips. Grissom moved his face mere inches away from Sara's to look in her eyes. He read there that she'd felt it too. Their lips collided again. They slowly explored the new territory and revelled  in the sensation it brought on. Sara's arms snaked around Grissom's body and held him close to her. She suddenly disengaged her lips from his and buried her face in the nape of his neck.

"God, Griss", she breathed. Her warm breath tickled his skin. He smiled against her hair and stroked her head with his hand. Sara felt the vein in his neck pumping. It gave her a phenomenal sense of  satisfaction to feel that this was affecting him as much as it affected her. She moved her head to look at him again. She couldn't help but smile like an idiot. 

"Oh, wipe that smug grin of your face", she said laughingly when she saw his expression. She slapped his shoulder lightly. Grissom couldn't help but smile like an idiot.

"You want to stay here for a while? I mean, I know you must be tired so maybe you want to go home", Sara asked.

"Yes, I'm tired. But I'd like to stay if you'll let me."

Sara beamed at him.

"I could make us some more coffee", she offered.

"Sure."

"Just make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back."

Sara disappeared into the kitchen with their coffee mugs. When she re-emerged Grissom was lying spread out on her couch. She couldn't have been gone more then a couple of  minutes. Oh, make yourself comfortable already, she thought to herself. She quietly crouched next to the couch, trying not to startle him.

"Grissom."

No response.

"Griss?", she tried again. "Gil?"

The sound of his given name was foreign to her lips. Until a few minutes ago, so was his kiss. Grissom mumbled something incoherent. Sara caressed his salt and pepper curls, then placed a soft kiss on his cheek. She pulled the comforter from the back of the couch and draped it over his sleeping form. After closing the blinds against the piercing rays of light, she retreated to her bedroom. She knew she wouldn't sleep. 


	3. chapter 3

Part four 

Grissom's eyes fluttered open slowly. Strange. He didn't immediately recognize his surroundings and took a moment to get accustomed to his environment. This was not his couch, or his living room. Then it hit him. Right. He was still at Sara's place. Grissom glanced at his watch and was surprised to see he'd slept for almost 9 hours. It must have been months since he'd slept like this. Maybe it was because of Sara's comfy couch. Maybe it was because a gigantic weight had been lifted from his shoulders last night. He never would have imagined it, but telling Sara about his otosclerosis and about his feelings…_Yes, Gil. Your feelings_…felt like one of the best decisions he'd ever made. And lord knows he'd made some awful ones in his life. Like trying to fool himself into thinking he could forget about Sara. And pushing her away as a result of that. He gave himself a mental shake. _No more of that. It was time to move on. He'd dwelled on the past for too long._

"Hi."

Sara's voice came from somewhere behind him. Grissom pushed himself up to a seated position and turned around to look for her. Sara stood in the doorway to her bedroom, looking refreshed and well, happy. 

"Hi yourself. I guess I fell asleep", Grissom said apologetically. "I'm sorry I didn't make better company."

"It's fine. Besides, you're cute when you're asleep."

Grissom's eyes grew large with astonishment. It must have been 40 years since someone had called him cute.

"Anyway", Sara quickly said, hoping he wouldn't make some kind of wisecrack about the little slip of the tongue. "How are you feeling? A triple shift can be deadly."

"Actually, Sara, people can recuperate from 14 days of insomnia with only 14 hours of sleep."

"Okay. That's fascinating, Grissom. But how are _you _doing?"

Grissom chuckled and smiled at her self-consciously.

"I'm fine. I feel great, really", he said as he got up and walked over to Sara, who eyed him with a mix of curiosity and suspicion.

There was something almost predatory in his gaze and stride as he made his way over to her. Sara's heart was beating more frantically with every step he took towards her. But as he reached her, he simply took her hand in his and placed a kiss on it. The gentleness of the gesture caused Sara's eyes to flutter closed and she let out a long sigh. There was nothing she could do but stand there, hoping her knees wouldn't buckle, and let his gentleness wash over her. Sara felt his lips linger a moment and then move from her hand to her face. Grissom's whiskers tickled her skin as his lips caressed her cheek. At first she hadn't been too enthusiastic about his new facial hair, but the feeling of it was exciting and it sent shivers down her spine.

"Griss", she moaned.

He moved away from her a little to look into her eyes.

"You know, you could start calling me Gil."

"I could. Gil", she said.

"I like that. It sounds nice coming from you."

"You mean you don't want me to start calling you poopie-head?"

"If you want to spend to rest of your life nicknamed Muffin."

Sara laughed out loud. I seemed like such a long time since the had enjoyed this level of comfort around each other. It felt like coming home. 

"Sara", he almost whispered.

"Yes."

"I'm happy we talked. I'm glad you understand. I wasn't sure you'd give me another chance. As a matter of fact, I wasn't sure I deserved another chance. Probably not."

Sara looked at him compassionately. She realized this must have been a struggle for him. He had hurt her, in ways he would never fully understand, but it didn't matter. This was a new start. A blank slate both of them.

"Probably not", she teased.

Grissom gave her his best mock-hurt expression.

"It's not too late, I think", she then said, more seriously.

Relief washed over Grissom. That's all he needed to know for now. She hadn't given up on him. And this time he'd wouldn't fail her.

He kissed her lips tentatively. Sara's arms moved around his neck and she pulled him close, deepening the kiss. To Grissom it felt like his body was on fire. And if Sara's wildly beating heart was any indication, this joining of lips was affecting her just as much. 

After a long moment they slowly parted and rested their foreheads against each other, their breathing slowly calming down to a normal rhythm.

"I…", Grissom started.

Sara only groaned in response.

"That was…", he started again.

"Yeah", she breathed.

They silently exchanged glances. 

"I should go", Grissom finally said.

"I know."

"I need to head over to my place to take a shower and change. I have to be at work in less than two hours."

"What a coincidence. So do I", Sara joked.

"Well, don't be late. You don't want to piss off your supervisor", Grissom replied with a sly grin on his face. He winked at her.

"Never."

He smiled sheepishly at her.

"We'll need to work some things out. Proper professional conduct and everything."

Sara said nothing.

"You know, if you still want to see what happens."

Then she smiled.

"I'd like to find out."

The End.


End file.
